Thursday, August 6, 2009

Monday, August 3, 2009

Because I can't function in normal life

I feel like shit today. I have a fever and I need a hug.

Today I decided to water my lawn.
It's brown and disgusting and hurts my delicate feet. That fucking bastard of a lawn.

So fuck it, I decided I would water that motherfucker. And I would leave the water on extra long (fuck you world!!)

So I did what had to be done. I found the fifty three feet of hose, I hooked it up, I turned it on.

And nothing fucking happened. I've never stared incredulously at an inanimate object before, but Jesus Mary Joseph, I was staring. Incredulously.

I swear to god, I turned the knob, I looked for kinks in the hose, I checked for holes, I did it all. Just to water my stupid lawn.

That's when I noticed the other knob. Sitting there. Beckoning. Taunting me like I was some kind of fool.
I knew what I had to do. And that was turn it like it's never been turned before.

So I did, I walked on over there and I turned the other knob so it was on all the way.

At this point, I was no longer in the mood for any fucking around, which is why I became so perturbed when the damned thing did nothing.


I just stared at it hopelessly and wondered what terrible thing I had done in life to deserve being tormented like this.

And then I did what was probably the stupidest thing I could have ever done.

Forgetting everything I've ever learned from slapstick comedy I looked down the hose.

In the next split second two things happened.

1. I failed to notice the unmistakable noise of water pipes reaching their maximum water withholding capabilities.

2. I failed to notice that the hose (all fifty three feet of it) had rapidly unfurled, and was currently releasing a raging water inferno towards the end of the hose, which conveniently, I was staring directly into.

End scene, badum bum

Yeah, so I am a fucking idiot and not only did I release so much pent up fury that I neglected to water my lawn, I am now the proud owner of a bulging eyeball that is one shade darker than blackest motherfucking black.

I, Dingo, no longer care about my lawn. It can promptly go fuck itself.
As for my hose, the sneaky little bastard is far away and no longer my problem.

Quit being obnoxious.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Quotes because it's fucking hilarious

Ok ok, so there is a few things I like. Just a few. Here is one of the things my life would be meaningless without.

It's called Clone High and is more important than you will ever be.

Abe: I'll sleep when I die...
Joan of Arc: You'll die if you don't sleep.
Gandhi: Abe, remember how excited I was to see the movie "American Pie" that I didn't sleep the night before? And remember that scene where the guy has sex with the pie? Well, I don't. Because I fell asleep in the theatre.
[dramatic pause]
Abe: Why don't you just rent it?
[Gandhi runs out of the room]

Tom Green: So some of you may have been mean to a kid with ADD. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone for - coffee anyone? All right, sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips. It's a Ferris wheel. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag.

JFK: Do you mind? Some of us are trying to nail Catherine the Great here... Or should I say Catherine the So-So?

Mr. Butlertron: I'm sorry, Wesley, you have ADD.
Gandhi: Am I... dying?
Mr. Butlertron: No, you have ADD - Attention deficit disorder, also you have ADHD, its hyperactive cousin.

Shadowy Figure: Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet, but that riot was unacceptable.
Scudworth: Unacceptable? Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch!

JFK: Hey, you! Half Pint, Junior Mint, Pipsqueak, Tiny Tim, Yardstick, Snack Pack, Wee Fella, Brown Leprechaun.
Gandhi: Are you talking to me?

If you aren't dying of laughter then you either haven't seen it (so they make no fucking sense) or you're dead. Or stupid. One of those things.

Ferrets are the best thing.

I love them, I really do.

One of the few things that make me happy, are ferrets.

So to make you happy too I'm going to show you pictures of them.

If you don't like them, GTFO and die.

Pigs FTW

So, I was minding my own business when I read a comment left by a guy on a picture of a kid getting arrested by some police.

This is what it said:

"yo all those idiots watching those pigs mean on that kid should be kicked in the hea, I woulda ran up and kicked one of those goofs in hte head hahahaha FUCK AUTHORITY!"

Ok. I'm just going to take a deep breath here.

First off, a spelling error or two is not the end of the world but if you refuse to even acknowledge the almighty tool that is spell check, then your opinion has been deemed worthless.

Now for what he said, I want to address the actual post itself by trying my damnedest to translate what he said.

After much stress, exhaustion and sheer brain power, this is what I got out of it.

"Hey, all of those unintelligent people viewing those Officers of Law being unkind to that kid should be kicked in the head. I would have ran up and kicked one of those "goofs" in the head ha ha ha ha ha FUCK AUTHORITY"

Ok, I'm sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Let me try again.

So because the people watching didn't kick a police officer in the head, they should be kicked in the head? And if he were to be in that situation he would have ran up and kicked him in the head?

Really. Most morons I just ignore, I go on with my life and pretend that they don't exist. But this guy was so bad, I couldn't ignore him. I just couldn't.

I'm not particularly fond of police officers, they give me tickets when I speed, they arrest me for being drunk in public, they fine me for exposing myself to elderly women.

But all in all, they're doing their job. They're trying to stop people from being a pain in the ass to society, and they're trying to take care of their families.

There ARE crooked cops, they lie, cheat, steal yadda yadda. But that is not the majority and should not be used as a reason to hate them.

As for the "Fuck the Authority" thing, I think that's what got me the most. How fucking old are you? 12? I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Authority will always be there, it will always be important, necessary and can OWN your ass if it chooses to do so.

I'm not sure if you're aware, but when you move out of your parents basement you are going to have to get a job. Screaming "FUCK AUTHORITY" at a job interview and head butting the manager of Mcdonalds is not going to help you acquire said job.

And as for the previous remark about kicking a cop, I just have to say, how stupid are you?
If you did that what would happen is:
-Get tazed
-Get arrested
-Get charged with assault on a Police Officer
-Go to Jail, do not collect 200, do not pass go

Whatever you think you'd accomplish, it wouldn't happen. People would think you're a stupid asshole, the cops would throw you in jail and you would get raped in the ass.

Anyways I'm done with you, because I know for a fact that you would have stood in the crowd, watched it go down and then run off to your friends and tell them how "You were totally going to kick that cops ass"

Saturday, August 1, 2009

My kind of town, Chicago is

You know where I want to be?
I want to be in the 1940's, Frank Sinatra by my side, ripping shit up.
Oh boy, me and Francis, hitting up the town.
Looking for a broad that'll show me the way.

Roll some dice, smoke a cigar, whiskey on the rocks.

Tip of the hat and off we'd go.

What a life that would be.

Marriage is for happy people

Someone I know, and may or may not have been close with, is getting married.

Right now.

As I write this, they're finishing the last few touch ups, she's getting in the gown, he's buttoning his tux.

And I am so glad I opted out of playing the big role I agreed to earlier.

I don't know about you, but that kind of commitment ain't my thing.

Hell, every time she says something to him I can see his masculinity cringe and be like

"Why are you taking this man?!?! Tell the bitch to make you a sandwich!!"
(Your Masculinity)

Who knows, maybe they'll live a life of happiness, prosperity and all that fucking happy shit normal people feel.

Maybe he'll come to recognize his emasculation as a new, exciting opportunity in bed! He can be the woman, she can be the man.

How Exciting!

But all in all, I hope you guys have success in your marriage. Stupid Happy Fuckers.

And for the record, you would not have wanted me there anyways, I had full intentions to get completely shit smashed and most likely throw up on your dress.

Unless it's this dress, then I'll shit on you.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Don't worry, I'll be embarassed for you.

The weirdest thing happens to me when I see people doing stupid shit.

I get embarrassed. I get embarrassed FOR them, seeing as how most the time the person in question seems to be way to mentally incompetent to realize the fact that everyone thinks they are a fucking moron.

Case in point: Mr. Bean

When I was teeny tiny my parents made the decision to traumatize me for life and subjected me to the train wreck that Rowan Atkinson.

There was a lot of conflicting thoughts running through my adolescent brain, many of which contributed to the neurosis I would later encounter in life.

Why would a grown man act like that?

Does that grown man have problems?

Is he really like that in real life? Does he know he's being filmed?



Do adults really act like that?

I was utterly humiliated. Watching it made me blush, gave me upset tummies and I had the constant urge to pee.

Seriously. Mr. Bean ruined my fucking life.

"You're such a stupid bastard. Goddamn you."

To the Person who called my phone.

I know you were there. I could hear you breathing.
I wouldn't care if you would get off the line.

Because when you don't hang up, I can't call anyone else.

For the record, I have call display so I hope you don't mind being called at 3 a.m. (Pacific Time)

:) Have a nice day.

I enjoy somethings sometimes.

Shane Dawson makes me giggle.

Welfare can suck a dick.

To the woman who ate her baby

You are the worst kind of people.
I hate to break it to you, but saying that the devil made you do it won't work.
Every homicidal Mother pulls that shit, EVERY one.
The Devil made me do it so therefore I am not responsible.
Not fair, can't hold him accountable for everything, I bet he's sitting down there right now being like "Seriously? Seriously...? What am I? Scapegoat for the insane? I get blamed for every bad goddamn thing people do and God over there comes out smelling of roses, HAVE ANY OF YOU READ THE BIBLE?! *I* didn't cause mass destruction, or pestilence, or drought or...or anything really. I showed you guys SEX, and this is what I get. Pfft. Assholes"

"Great, now I'm all depressed"

But back to you lady,
I hope you die painfully and all that stuff.
You suck.

For all the Church going folk

You guys are fucking insane. You are devoted, I will give you that.

But honestly, lay off the blood of Christ, your craziness makes me uncomfortable.

So I figured going to the local church last Sunday would be a great thing, who knows, maybe I'd have a spiritual awakening. Maybe I'd find a heart in the depths of my crusty, bitter, hate filled soul. But no.

I was met full force with utter crazy. What should I talk about first? The middle aged women running around with fabric wand things...

See the person in this picture? How old do you think they are? If you say 40, you are wrong.
It's more like 10, which should prove my point when I say you look ridiculous running around with them.

The second was the sweet elderly woman I met. She seemed so nice, and...not insane.
But this was before she took off her shoes and starting speaking in tongues, only taking breaks to scream like a banshee.

Can we please keep our shoes on? Is that so hard, I can deal with the rest, just keep your shoes on.

I think the best one was the amazingly obese person who was so damn into the music (and spiritual awakening..? No?) that they didn't seem to notice their jowls were jiggling with such ferocity you would think they would feel what appeared to be the equivalent of being slapped in the face. Repeatedly. By your flabby cheeks.

Overall, my experience with Church (and this may be unfair to all the rest, who may or may not be batshit insane) is that most of the people there are mentally fragile, consume too much of "The blood of Christ", or are rapidly going senile.

But goddamn, I am not going back there. Ever.

I think I'm going to go see what the Church of Satan is up to.

Now that is my kind of crazy. Church of Satan, you are doing it right.
This is something that makes me happy

Bareback Mountain

I have never seen Brokeback Mountain. Westerns aren’t my thing.

But I heard there was gay sex between Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger (God rest his soul) and I just had to see it.

It didn’t take me long to youtube that shit up and I was pretty impressed with the selection.

There was slow motion, slow motion and porn music, porn music, and lastly there were the clips with the original sound.

I chose to hear it wicth the original sound so I could, you know, get the complete “viewing experience”.

I never want to hear Jake Gyllenhaal have gay sex again.


As for Heath, well, we know how that went down. But really, hearing his little groan as he gets punctured in his…”saddle” was not kosher for me.

One thing I couldn’t understand and would love for someone to clarify is this:

What was with the agressiveness? Punching eachother in the nose and then getting it on in their teepee/ tent? Does that normally happen?

Honestly, I have no idea about the plot, I was just in it for the gay sex scene.

I hate most things in life.

So this is my first post and I guess an introduction is needed.

My name is Dingo and I hate damn near everything.

Most of my life takes place in the form of rant, specializing in discovering your weaknesses and subsequently exposing them so that you may become a social recluse, too ashamed to face the world.

That’s not entirely true. I’m not that mean, I’ll expose your weaknesses in a subtle way, probably through humor, so that you won’t be ashamed but probably inwardly uncomfortable and walk away wondering if I was laughing with, or at.

I’m not a bad person, I am insightful.

So be prepared to get your fucking mind blown.