Friday, July 31, 2009

Don't worry, I'll be embarassed for you.

The weirdest thing happens to me when I see people doing stupid shit.

I get embarrassed. I get embarrassed FOR them, seeing as how most the time the person in question seems to be way to mentally incompetent to realize the fact that everyone thinks they are a fucking moron.

Case in point: Mr. Bean

When I was teeny tiny my parents made the decision to traumatize me for life and subjected me to the train wreck that Rowan Atkinson.

There was a lot of conflicting thoughts running through my adolescent brain, many of which contributed to the neurosis I would later encounter in life.

Why would a grown man act like that?

Does that grown man have problems?

Is he really like that in real life? Does he know he's being filmed?



Do adults really act like that?

I was utterly humiliated. Watching it made me blush, gave me upset tummies and I had the constant urge to pee.

Seriously. Mr. Bean ruined my fucking life.

"You're such a stupid bastard. Goddamn you."

To the Person who called my phone.

I know you were there. I could hear you breathing.
I wouldn't care if you would get off the line.

Because when you don't hang up, I can't call anyone else.

For the record, I have call display so I hope you don't mind being called at 3 a.m. (Pacific Time)

:) Have a nice day.

I enjoy somethings sometimes.

Shane Dawson makes me giggle.

Welfare can suck a dick.

To the woman who ate her baby

You are the worst kind of people.
I hate to break it to you, but saying that the devil made you do it won't work.
Every homicidal Mother pulls that shit, EVERY one.
The Devil made me do it so therefore I am not responsible.
Not fair, can't hold him accountable for everything, I bet he's sitting down there right now being like "Seriously? Seriously...? What am I? Scapegoat for the insane? I get blamed for every bad goddamn thing people do and God over there comes out smelling of roses, HAVE ANY OF YOU READ THE BIBLE?! *I* didn't cause mass destruction, or pestilence, or drought or...or anything really. I showed you guys SEX, and this is what I get. Pfft. Assholes"

"Great, now I'm all depressed"

But back to you lady,
I hope you die painfully and all that stuff.
You suck.

For all the Church going folk

You guys are fucking insane. You are devoted, I will give you that.

But honestly, lay off the blood of Christ, your craziness makes me uncomfortable.

So I figured going to the local church last Sunday would be a great thing, who knows, maybe I'd have a spiritual awakening. Maybe I'd find a heart in the depths of my crusty, bitter, hate filled soul. But no.

I was met full force with utter crazy. What should I talk about first? The middle aged women running around with fabric wand things...

See the person in this picture? How old do you think they are? If you say 40, you are wrong.
It's more like 10, which should prove my point when I say you look ridiculous running around with them.

The second was the sweet elderly woman I met. She seemed so nice, and...not insane.
But this was before she took off her shoes and starting speaking in tongues, only taking breaks to scream like a banshee.

Can we please keep our shoes on? Is that so hard, I can deal with the rest, just keep your shoes on.

I think the best one was the amazingly obese person who was so damn into the music (and spiritual awakening..? No?) that they didn't seem to notice their jowls were jiggling with such ferocity you would think they would feel what appeared to be the equivalent of being slapped in the face. Repeatedly. By your flabby cheeks.

Overall, my experience with Church (and this may be unfair to all the rest, who may or may not be batshit insane) is that most of the people there are mentally fragile, consume too much of "The blood of Christ", or are rapidly going senile.

But goddamn, I am not going back there. Ever.

I think I'm going to go see what the Church of Satan is up to.

Now that is my kind of crazy. Church of Satan, you are doing it right.
This is something that makes me happy

Bareback Mountain

I have never seen Brokeback Mountain. Westerns aren’t my thing.

But I heard there was gay sex between Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger (God rest his soul) and I just had to see it.

It didn’t take me long to youtube that shit up and I was pretty impressed with the selection.

There was slow motion, slow motion and porn music, porn music, and lastly there were the clips with the original sound.

I chose to hear it wicth the original sound so I could, you know, get the complete “viewing experience”.

I never want to hear Jake Gyllenhaal have gay sex again.


As for Heath, well, we know how that went down. But really, hearing his little groan as he gets punctured in his…”saddle” was not kosher for me.

One thing I couldn’t understand and would love for someone to clarify is this:

What was with the agressiveness? Punching eachother in the nose and then getting it on in their teepee/ tent? Does that normally happen?

Honestly, I have no idea about the plot, I was just in it for the gay sex scene.

I hate most things in life.

So this is my first post and I guess an introduction is needed.

My name is Dingo and I hate damn near everything.

Most of my life takes place in the form of rant, specializing in discovering your weaknesses and subsequently exposing them so that you may become a social recluse, too ashamed to face the world.

That’s not entirely true. I’m not that mean, I’ll expose your weaknesses in a subtle way, probably through humor, so that you won’t be ashamed but probably inwardly uncomfortable and walk away wondering if I was laughing with, or at.

I’m not a bad person, I am insightful.

So be prepared to get your fucking mind blown.