Friday, July 31, 2009

For all the Church going folk

You guys are fucking insane. You are devoted, I will give you that.

But honestly, lay off the blood of Christ, your craziness makes me uncomfortable.

So I figured going to the local church last Sunday would be a great thing, who knows, maybe I'd have a spiritual awakening. Maybe I'd find a heart in the depths of my crusty, bitter, hate filled soul. But no.

I was met full force with utter crazy. What should I talk about first? The middle aged women running around with fabric wand things...

See the person in this picture? How old do you think they are? If you say 40, you are wrong.
It's more like 10, which should prove my point when I say you look ridiculous running around with them.

The second was the sweet elderly woman I met. She seemed so nice, and...not insane.
But this was before she took off her shoes and starting speaking in tongues, only taking breaks to scream like a banshee.

Can we please keep our shoes on? Is that so hard, I can deal with the rest, just keep your shoes on.

I think the best one was the amazingly obese person who was so damn into the music (and spiritual awakening..? No?) that they didn't seem to notice their jowls were jiggling with such ferocity you would think they would feel what appeared to be the equivalent of being slapped in the face. Repeatedly. By your flabby cheeks.

Overall, my experience with Church (and this may be unfair to all the rest, who may or may not be batshit insane) is that most of the people there are mentally fragile, consume too much of "The blood of Christ", or are rapidly going senile.

But goddamn, I am not going back there. Ever.

I think I'm going to go see what the Church of Satan is up to.

Now that is my kind of crazy. Church of Satan, you are doing it right.

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