Monday, August 3, 2009

Because I can't function in normal life

I feel like shit today. I have a fever and I need a hug.

Today I decided to water my lawn.
It's brown and disgusting and hurts my delicate feet. That fucking bastard of a lawn.

So fuck it, I decided I would water that motherfucker. And I would leave the water on extra long (fuck you world!!)

So I did what had to be done. I found the fifty three feet of hose, I hooked it up, I turned it on.

And nothing fucking happened. I've never stared incredulously at an inanimate object before, but Jesus Mary Joseph, I was staring. Incredulously.

I swear to god, I turned the knob, I looked for kinks in the hose, I checked for holes, I did it all. Just to water my stupid lawn.

That's when I noticed the other knob. Sitting there. Beckoning. Taunting me like I was some kind of fool.
I knew what I had to do. And that was turn it like it's never been turned before.

So I did, I walked on over there and I turned the other knob so it was on all the way.

At this point, I was no longer in the mood for any fucking around, which is why I became so perturbed when the damned thing did nothing.


I just stared at it hopelessly and wondered what terrible thing I had done in life to deserve being tormented like this.

And then I did what was probably the stupidest thing I could have ever done.

Forgetting everything I've ever learned from slapstick comedy I looked down the hose.

In the next split second two things happened.

1. I failed to notice the unmistakable noise of water pipes reaching their maximum water withholding capabilities.

2. I failed to notice that the hose (all fifty three feet of it) had rapidly unfurled, and was currently releasing a raging water inferno towards the end of the hose, which conveniently, I was staring directly into.

End scene, badum bum

Yeah, so I am a fucking idiot and not only did I release so much pent up fury that I neglected to water my lawn, I am now the proud owner of a bulging eyeball that is one shade darker than blackest motherfucking black.

I, Dingo, no longer care about my lawn. It can promptly go fuck itself.
As for my hose, the sneaky little bastard is far away and no longer my problem.

Quit being obnoxious.

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